It was four months ago today that Tom Hundt died. I still struggle with denial. I know intellectually that he is gone, but there is a part of my brain that just can't seem to accept it. We were together so long and enjoyed each others company so that we did everything together. Truly, a part of me did not survive when Tom left.
I grieve our past life and routine things that we did every day. I grieve the fact that we will not be old together. When I see senior couples, I often wonder if they know how lucky they are. I feel envy.
I miss his volume, the space that he took up in this world. I miss the mass of him moving around me, appearing through doors, the words,"I'm home." I long for the feel of the shift in our bed when he would sit on it to join me for the night.
We were pretty tuned in to each other. I miss wondering if he is hungry and being happy to create meals for him, then watching him enjoy them. I miss his comments on what I had prepared because I knew he wanted me to feel good about what I had just done. He cared so much about what I was feeling and I as I said, we were tuned in to each other. Part of us lived to make the other content and secure.
Overall I think that I am doing okay. One can never plan on how to feel in a situation like this...it just happens and you let it. I find that if I am not busy around the farm that I am reaching out to my wonderful family and friends. Everyone is ALWAYS there for me. I am trying to handle life with strength and courage and dignity and basically just trying to"gut it out" because that is what Tom would want me to do. That is what he would do if things were the other way around.
People ask me what my plans are. I have no plan. It's as if I am watching a movie with the sound turned off. I am waiting for the sound to come on so that I can fully engage and participate in what is going on. It will take time, as everyone says, and I can feel that that is true. In the meantime, I am so grateful for the comfort and security that Tom so carefully arranged for me and for the gentle, patient people I love that surround me.
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3 comments:
Aunt Linda I feel so bad for what you are going through. I miss Uncle Tom also somedays I think about something i can do. And the first person that pops in my head that I can do this with is Uncle Tom. I am still trying to get used to the fact that he is gone. It sucks to sit there and think about fun things I can do with him and then realize again like everytime that he is gone. The one thing that cheers me up is realizing that everytime i do something he is there either watching or helping me. Many people miss him but i dont think anyone could miss him more than you do. Aunt Linda I love you so much and I miss the times the me you and uncle Tom shared together along with my father it was a complete hoot to be with you guys. Hope to see you soon.
Linda,
So good to hear from you again on your blog. You've been on my mind and each time I pass your house I wonder how you are.
Still praying for you,
Christy
Hi Linda,
I'm glad you're back on the blog. Many of us here in the North think of you most every day. You're in our thoughts and prayers.
Julie
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