Update from Linda

“I want to see Papa,” says Neva in a steady voice that she wants to sound like she means business. I get “that feeling” in the pit of my stomach and my eyes suddenly feel hot. I tell her again that Papa is in heaven and that I am going to find a special picture of Papa and her together to put in a frame so that she can look at him whenever she wants to. She seems okay for now.

Every person, no matter what their age, that knew and loved Tom are hurting, wondering, mourning, and coping in their own way.

By the calendar month, it has been one month. By weeks, it has been four weeks and two days. By days, it has been thirty-one days. By nights, it has been thirty nights. About ten times every day, it occurs to me that this is real and Tom is gone.

I remember in various ways…driving by the lumber company that he and I visited one hundred times as we remodeled our dream farm house together, having to circle “widow” on a dentist’s form because they got a new computer system, answering the phone to sobs when someone has just found out about Tom’s death.

I still have my moments every day where I just can’t handle the finality of it all. I guess that this is part of the process. I try to look at “the big picture” and understand that not many people don’t have to go through this to some extent in their life time. That helps because there is comfort in being part of a group.

I find that all of my feelings are intense. At any given moment I can be absolutely laughing my head off or feeling the crushing heaviness of loneliness or just plain being mad. Pictures of Donald Duck having a fit come to mind. Mad at a person, mad at the situation (whatever it might be), mad at complicated forms and those terrible answering systems where one has to hit number after number to get to the goal of talking to a person. The anger passes quickly though and I am not holding any grudges. It’s like pressure builds up and once it is released at the person or thing, I am better. I am surrounded with very patient people, the closest being my sister Pam. She is a rock and the truest example of unconditional love.

I am blessed with (I am thinking) the most amazing support system in the world…my amazing David and Laurie, the rest of my attentive and loving family, right down to my adorable grand-nephew, Noah, every single member of Tom’s big family, old and new friends, neighbors, members of the State Police, my garden club, people that Tom worked with that I have never met. I am overwhelmed with the love and generosity that people are capable of extending. I am taking a look at myself through all of this outpouring of love and respect for Tom and now myself.

Again, I try to think of how Tom would handle this whole situation. I am working and praying for more patience for one thing. Tom spoiled me totally. I feel like some of these emotions are growing pains (at 60 no less).

Spring is definitely here. His favorite flowers, lilacs are in their glory and will soon be followed by the peonies we transplanted a couple of falls ago, another of his favorites. Not all reminders are painful. I find myself smiling in remembrance more and more. Maybe I am getting there.

Love to all, Linda