Life at sixteen days out

Here we all are at the end of April and sixteen days since Tom died. I still find it hard to comprehend that I will never see him or touch him again. I am lucky that I have a few recordings of his voice so that I can hear him. One recording is on our answering machine. I get alot of teary sounding messages as, I think people are caught off guard at hearing his voice when they prepare to leave a message. I can't even think of taking it off right now. It is one of my treasures. The other recordings I have of his voice are on my cell phone. He took a motorcycle trip in June with some buddies and called me almost every night as he always did. He didn't happen to get me a couple of times and left messages. I usually erase messages because one gets so many, but for some reason I saved them. Boy, am I glad I did now. I of course saved every little "Missed ya, love ya" message after I found out about the tumor, but those first "Tom in love with me and without a care in the world" messages will always be cherished. Does anyone know how to preserve them? I am scared to death that they will accidently get erased.

I felt quite confident that I had learned some very wise lessons throughout Tom's illness. One of the things that I thought I had down was that I understood that I really don't have control of how things should go or at what pace or on my timetable. The big picture really has nothing to do with my plans. Well, after three months in various hospitals, two weeks at home with hospice, Tom's death, the visitation and then the funeral, I was ready to be in my home to take a big breath and think about our past together and just be. That was my plan. As it turned out, I spent four of the next seven days in the ER, hospital and my mothers apartment. She has had heart problems in the past and on Monday after Tom's funeral we had to call 911 due to pains and shortness of breath. Thank goodness she is okay and off playing cards with her girlfriends again. At 88 she is amazing.

Also within these sixteen days I have had the joy of spending time with loving friends and family. My neighbors are unbelievable. My cats are happy. My goats still wonder where I am (they are staying at my friends with 18 other goats). I have had to deal with funeral homes, the State of Michigan, banks, computers, sump pumps, and vehicles. I have also been confronted with a lot of firsts...grocery shopping for one, driving by our favorite restaurant, closing up the house for the night knowing Tom won't be letting himself in, running across his flip flops under the bench by the back door, to mention a few. Through it all, blessing after blessing presents themselves almost every day. Every day is still a gift.

I am not making any plans on how I am going to "get through this." I am just going to feel things as they come along. My relationship with Tom is not over. I feel him with me, I talk to him, and call on him for strength and courage and a small measure of his character to make me a better person. My friend Linda Fitzpatrick, who lost her husband Jim six years ago says that when she is asked if she is married, she always answers, "Yes, but my husband died." That is exactly how I feel. More later. Love and gratitude to you all. Linda