Reality is setting in at new levels

Hi my friends,

It has been a long time since my last post. I tried to compose many times, but I had no words to share. Today I will just start and see what comes out.

My wonderful sister Pam, who stayed with me all summer is enjoying a well deserved winter life in Florida. Tom's and my amazing families have settled into their school, church, work, and family routines after much fussing over me this summer and fall. They and many friends attacked my property and home like a swarm of ants, raking, trimming, repairing, and cleaning until it sparkles like a jewel at the corner of Howe and Francis. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and love.

How am I doing? Everyone is asking that question with love in their heart and maybe a little curiosity. I think that I am doing well. I have no concept of where I am supposed to be in the healing process . Logic dictates that it would have to be totally different for each individual. Sometimes, I can go for a few hours without thinking about Tom. Sometimes I am happy, sometimes sad...each with a different twist from the old self I used to be. There is no pattern; no good day/bad day. The first six months after his death, I describe as a wakeful nightmare. I kept thinking I would wake up and he would be there. Recently, the realization that this is permanent and irreversable has reached new depths. It's pretty hard sometimes, but they pass. I think that the parts of my brain that would not believe are now believing. It is a hard pill to swallow.

I have a feeling that the new level of grief is in part from the fact that all summer and fall I faced and challenged myself (with wobbly knees) to master all that my Tom was responsible for in our partnership as homeowners. With lots of help, I am understanding more about all of the fuels, starting,and maintenance of all of the machinery, all of the battery changing, trimming and trash remembering, so many tasks that were easy and fun for him. All of my out of door tasks in our partnership have been completed with lots of help. Everything is done for now. I did it all and now I have an expectant feeling of waiting for the unknown challenges of winter season without my partner, Tom. I am hunkered down and waiting now in my "fort." Our wonderful home of protection and warmth that Tom and I created together. To say I miss him would be a complete understatement. I find myself with time to explore drawers, closets, basement and workshop...things I didn't have time for during the busy, mind-clouded days of spring, summer and fall this year. It hits me many times a day how deliciously rich our life was. I must say that I truly knew how lucky I was, but not to the degree I understand now. Maybe the exterior and interior activity around our home this year is a metaphor for the superficial, "crazy-busy, keep my mind off it" kind of grief, and the deeper "stop the madness, let yourself be quiet and think and feel" kind of grief.

In my life with Tom before he got sick...if I had given up keeping so busy thinking about projects, things to acquire, keeping material things perfect, thinking about tomorrow, about next year, all of the tasks that keep our mind and body occupied...if I had backed off on that expenduture of energy and focused in on the wonderful people in my life, could my life have been even juicier, richer? I can't help but think the answer would be yes. Is this one of the things I am supposed to learn from this experience? One of many, I expect.

My gosh that got pretty deep. I am fine, really. I love you all and know that you love me. Give the people you love a big hug. Hold their hand any chance you get. Linda